Weak End Report

Here is a weekend in pictures (and words, of course).  

This is what happens when I go to store late on a Friday night.  I have a grocery store specific impulse control problem.  

Grandma bought Marina a 5-foot Dora balloon for her birthday.  First thing Sunday morning, Marina got out of bed, went downstairs and carried it back up with her.  For some reason she decided that a good place to leave Giant Dora was at my bedside.  Imagine my surprise when I opened my eyes to see this giant football-shaped head staring at me.

We bought Marina her own box of Legos (yes, I know that it says, 'For Age 6' on the box, but Marina is superior to all 3-5-year-olds).  They make Legos specifically for girls now.  The box is pink and the blocks have several pastel colors among them.  While we wouldn't usually have a problem buying gender-neutral Legos for our girl, we had to make a distinction from Eli's blocks.  These kids like a good fight.  

Naturally they included a female Lego person in the collection.  Take a look at the picture they put on the label (she's the one brushing her horse's face).  Killer hair, dude.

Side shot for the full mullet-effect.  

Your sweater is lovely.  

 Marina also got a box of princess faux-Barbies.  Before long our kitchen looked like a party for fallen Miss America's pageant stars who had been up partying all night.  There were shoes, crowns and gowns strewn all over.

No blog entry is complete without a picture of one of my useless cats.  Here is Lorenzo, intimidating our guests with his laser vision while we ate dinner and cowered.  

He changed location for a more direct laser shot into the back of my head.  

Lastly, I detected a pattern in my home this weekend.  As my stress levels go up, so does the amount of times my kids run by me and slap my buttocks.  Here's an example:  on Saturday, I was rushing around getting ready for Marina's birthday party and everything was going wrong.  As I was trying to find room in the freezer, frozen meats and processed foods were raining down on my exposed feet.  Every time I would put something back, another bomb would drop.  I was feeling violently irate when Eli ran by at a full sprint and smacked my butt.  I felt like a cartoon character with smoke shooting out of my ears.  I calmly asked him not to do it again.  As the words were still coming out of my mouth, Marina came by and walloped me.  This is certainly not an isolated event.  To think, once upon a time, we used to encourage a toddler-sized Eli to smack people in the butt.  

In the words of Jim Carrey, "I'm getting what I deserve, I'm reaping what I sow."  

This can actually be applied to any of my current parenting woes.  I had to pause my typing just now to ask Marina not to lick my leg.  

Weekend.  Weak End (just like my over-slapped buttocks).  

Fat Chance, Fat Linda

I'm sharing some information I found in the spirit of disaster preparedness.

There may come a time when you are sitting in the kitchen telling your kids to stop fighting/start eating and you hear the sound of wheezing gasps coming from the bathroom.  If you follow the sounds, you might discover an obese cat choking on the food she literally just inhaled.  You might think to yourself... "Ummm, do cats really choke on their food?  I thought Fat Linda had a gullet wide enough to swallow Jonah."

This was no hypothetical situation, my friend.  This was reality for us tonight.  While the above thoughts were formulating, poor feeble-minded Fat Linda was trying to breathe and cat-cough.  As a loving cat owner (and slightly neurotic parent), I felt the need to pick up my cat and attempt an improvised Heimlich Remover (this is what we call it).  I tried to violently push in and up.  She puked up a little (right back in to her bowl... yuck) and then just stood there.  When I ran back into the kitchen to Google "how to give your cat the Heimlich," I realized my kids were looking on in horror - well, Eli was; Marina thought my aggressive cat hug was a little funny.   I tried to reassure them, but this story may find its way to Eli's Sunday school class.

After I read the instructions below, I ran back into practice on Fat Linda.  She was eating again... eating, slightly wheezing and purring.  Girl... you nuts.  I followed her around to make sure she wasn't looking for a place to die.  Although if she does decide to die, tonight is a good night since tomorrow is garbage day... (this is a joke, obviously we are donating her body to science).  PETA is probably going to show up at my front door tomorrow morning.

Here you go... Instructions for the cat Heimlich.  I didn't add the paw print bullet points, they came like that.  Sweet, right?  [Paw Print] Loss of consciousness.  If they listed flatulence as a symptom, I would think Fat Linda was on death's door every day.

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What is the Heimlich maneuver?

Also known as the hug of life, the Heimlich maneuver is performed on a pet who's upper air passageway is blocked by a foreign object. It is designed to force the object out of the passageway by applying a sudden squeeze of pressure on the cat's abdomen, which forces air up the windpipe & trachea & dislodges the object.

What are the signs of choking in cats?

• Pawing at the face, mouth & throat
• Gagging
• Anxious behaviour
• Difficulty breathing
• No breathing
• Drooling
• Forceful coughing
• Loss of consciousness

How to perform the Heimlich maneuver:

• Open the cat's mouth & pull the cat's tongue forward.  See if it possible to remove the object with a finger sweep. Don't perform a blind finger sweep as you may push the object further down. Be careful not to be bitten.  If this is not possible, you will have to continue onto the Heimlich maneuver below;
• Pick up your cat & hold his back against your stomach, with his head up & his feet hanging down.
• Place your fist just underneath the rib cage, you will feel the soft, hollow place easily.
• Give four forceful thrusts with your fist (not your arms) inward towards your belly, while also applying an upwards pressure at the same time.
• Check the mouth for the object with a finger sweep. If the object has been dislodged, it is no longer necessary to perform the Heimlich maneuver. If he is still not breathing, perform another check of the mouth as the object may have been dislodged enough to grab it with your fingers. If it still hasn't been dislodged perform the Heimlich maneuver again.
• Check the ABC (airway, breathing & circulation), and perform artificial respiration or CPR if necessary.
• Seek veterinary attention immediately. Even if the object has been dislodged it is still strongly urged you see your veterinarian to give your cat an overall check.

Do not practice this procedure on an animal or person. Only use when necessary.

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Back to what I was saying, if Fat Linda was going to die choking on something, I would never think it was going to be her tiny little food.  It would be far more likely she would aspirate some of the kids' gummy rubber toys that she always hunts and chews to smithereens.  A few months ago she decimated Eli's toy snake and left his head at the bottom of the stairs (she watches too many horror movies).  Eli was the first to see it in the morning.  He howled in agony and then sat dejectedly on the stairs for an hour.  Thanks, Fat Linda.  We had to replace it with a life-size cobra that he regularly swings around like Indiana Jones' lasso and smacks people in the face.  

We're glad you're still with us, Fat Linda.  I'm glad I didn't have to give you CPR.

The Pick Pics

This blog is a nod to the "picture's worth a thousand words concept," but rather than let the pictures speak for themselves, I will add my comments (of course).

There's always a flattering picture of Fat Linda floating around.  She believes I can't see her if she hides under the kids' picnic table.  She is also incapable of a blink-free photograph (like my mom).

Marina in her Dora uniform carrying Lorenzo.  With her brute force, she managed to tear his head off, then carried him around the house displaying her trophy (like a cat with a bird).  

Once again, her hair looks lovely.

I drove by this place a couple of days ago.  I wasn't aware that American rabbits were having trouble with their breeding.  What a relief that someone is helping them!

We found this gem the other day and wisely stopped to capture the moment.  Look closely and you'll see the upgrade this individual made to his Exterra (in fact, click on the picture below if you need).  I wonder if the dealer threw this in to sweeten the deal. We don't have to wonder if this gentleman gets all the ladies.

I'm starting to consider being a photo journalist.  I'm going to make a copy of this blog and send it to National Geographic... and the National Inquirer.