Shame On You

For the past 10 or so years, we've been faced with a dilemma in my house.  How do you deal with misbehaving animals?  Clearly we understand misbehaving humans, but cats are an issue unto themselves.  They seem to exist only to please themselves with no consideration outside of that.

I've tried several things to part with disagreeable behavior, like trying to use the rule books some follow for child discipline. Perhaps these principles are universal.

First I used some I-feel statements.  Lorenzo, I feel upset when you eat my hair when I'm trying to sleep. Nothing.  Fat Linda, I feel murderous when you wake the whole house in the middle of the night because you are scratching on my kids' doors trying to get them to feed you.  No reaction.

So I moved onto phase two.  Time-outs.  I put Lorenzo in the corner facing the wall shortly after he brutalized his overweight sister.  He yawned, licked his shoulder then jumped down.  This did not have the desired effect.

Then we tried removing privileges.  Fat Linda, I will not allow you to lie down in my pile of warm laundry.  Lorenzo, I will poke you every time you try to go to sleep until you get tired of it and viciously attack my arm.

So here we land at our current state, which is admittedly completely ineffectual.  I verbally abuse and publicly humiliate my cat friends.  While this still yields no results, I'm finding myself feeling slightly better about the state of things.  There are some risks with this type of "discipline." I have to look both ways before swearing at my cats.  It won't do to have my kids telling their teachers they have two bastard cats at home.  Also, people tend to think I'm mean.  Though I risk giving up my "Most Friendly Female" crown (10 years running), I'm going to continue publicly airing my cats' bad habits.

You've seen those excellent dog-shaming websites?  I've decided this could work for our two moronic beasts.  I'm hoping for some real changes fueled by feline embarrassment.

Oh, the carnage...

I'll let you know if this produces the results we are looking for.  I realize I'm endangering my bathmats just by putting this out there.

Look at this retaliation we're already seeing...

Less Than Lessons

Sometimes you hear people say things like, "if only life came with an instruction manual," or if "I only knew then what I know now." I was just sitting here thinking that since we each learn our own lessons based on choices we've made, wouldn't it be great if we shared some of those lessons with the people around us so they wouldn't have to make the same mistakes we did?

This isn't exactly a new idea.  I read Internet advice on everything from medical diagnoses to product reviews on sports bras.  So following suit, here I am about to pollute the cyber world further by offering my lessons for your consumption.  Hopefully what I've learned will prove useful for you.


1.   Don't put your refrigerator against a corner wall.  You will never be able to open the door more than 90 degrees.  Then if you are defrosting meat and the nasty blood leaks out and runs down the back wall and settles below the produce drawers, you will not be able to open the door wide enough to remove the drawer and clean it.  You will have to slide flattened paper towels below the drawer and  hope for hyper-absorbency.  Also, don't judge the crap on my fridge doors.  We save tests, drawings, free magnets and pictures of ugly people.

2.  Don't buy any of these As Seen on TV products (this list could go on and on.  Now you see where all my money has gone... :

• Revo Styler
  
  
  

• Split Ender

• Ab Roller

• Wax Vac

3. Don't try to lose 20 pounds over the last weekend of summer using this.  It may cause a sudden lack of bowel control.

4.  Don't tell your daughter to "save the drama for your mama" ... because she will.  Then you will be stuck in the car with her during soccer practice doing this after you tell her she can't watch a movie.

5.  Don't make this your dinner drink, no matter how poor you've become.

6.  Or this... even though it's on sale at the gas station for $0.99.

7. Don't impulsively buy a cat because you are living in another state and feeling homesick.  Even if he reaches out of his cage at the pet store and grabs your arm.  You will sincerely regret it.

8.  Don't do it again five years later on another unfortunate whim.  Cute kittens grow up to be fat cats with bad brains.

9.  Don't let your child grow a rat tail modeled after his favorite (somewhat obscure) soccer player.  Chances are, he will get attached to the hairstyle and you will enter into rounds of permissive hair growth followed by haircuts by force for the next three years. And you will always think everyone sitting behind you is judging your parenting choices. 

10.  It is unwise to do your Target or grocery shopping over your lunch break during the summer.  You will either constantly lose your gummy vitamins, deodorant, toothpaste, gum, etc to major melting, or you will have to sit with bags full of toilet paper and 6-packs of underwear on your desk for the rest of the day.  And you will forget this lesson over and over. 

There it is.  Not exactly my top 10, but all I could think of right now... while I'm sipping on a gallon of Carlo Rossi with a Boone's Farm sidecar.

Learn from the error of my ways and turn from stupidity and As Seen on TV (I totally have my eye on those yellow nighttime sunglasses that let you see in the dark...)

Mental Leap Frog

This is a totally lame way to start a blog, but I'm doing it anyway.

I'm currently in the throws of an impractical dilemma.  In an uncharacteristic move, I've just painted my fingernails. And I chose an odd color, like that blue soup from Bridget Jones' Diary. In a totally characteristic move, I unbuttoned my pants when I walked in the door to promote midsection relaxation - before the inspired nail painting.  Now I face a bit of a conundrum.  Do I attempt to re-button my pants with tacky nails?  Or do I take my son to soccer practice with my pants noticeably open?  (I actually just looked down and realized I totally forgot to paint my thumbnail... I stink at being classy, as my open jeans loudly proclaim.)

In an attempt to solve this problem, I asked my daughter to button them.  Turns out this squeeze takes a little more strength than her 5-year-old hands have. How very flattering.

Speaking of her little hands... In a totally shocking turn of events, I was notified yesterday that she was caught cutting a hole in her t-shirt at school.  It's not that she doesn't know how to navigate the Fiskars; instead this was a premeditated action.  She expressed some dissatisfaction with the shirt I chose for her that morning.  She wasn't a fan of the hand-me-down football shirt that used to belong to her brother. I flexed my maternal dictatory will.  A tomboy shirt with yoga pants and sloppy up-do combo is one we all should adopt from time to time.

Marina disagreed.  So Marina took action.

We've been faced with several parenting crossroads lately.  This was one of them.  Oddly enough, after years of trying to shirk the authority in my mother's home, it turns out I react just like her.  Marina arrived back at school today in the same tomboy shirt with a piece of Scotch tape over the hole (benevolently, I paired it with a leopard-print tiered skirt and flowers in her hair).  Once, after hearing a report that my brother was drawing on his desk in sixth grade, my mom forced him to miss a field trip and stay back to clean every single desk. She meant business. And apparently so do I.  

Here Marina is giving me an artistic pose (and clearly over her trauma). Don't get mad at me that I made her wear that shirt to begin with.  I'm deaf to your judgment.

Speaking of stellar parenting moments, for some reason, every time we drive by the Volvo dealership, Eli calls it Volva. I can't understand why he keeps saying it. I silently laughed the first time then corrected him. Since he can't seem to remember, I've stopped correcting him.  One day in junior high Health class he's going to have an epiphany.

That looks like a blue 2014 Volva...

Eli asked me to take a picture of his trashy rat tail yesterday so he could see "how awesome it looks." After seeing this picture, he confirmed that, "Yeah, pretty awesome." When it gets to be 10 inches long, he can donate it.

And lastly, in a horrendous moment the other day, my coffee went tumbling off the roof of my car where I had it balanced before work. Now it looks like someone puked on my window and door.  And since I'm on a nine-year no-car wash streak, it is likely going to stay that way until the next torrential downpour.  Maybe that will distract passerbys from my blue nails and unbuttoned jeans.

This blog post is a bit on the ridiculous side with several different thoughts strung together loosely with abstract segues.  So basically, it's like having a conversation with me on a normal day, only with pictures.