I'm starting with the man in the toi-let

Excuse me, ma'am.  I think there is a man lying in the bottom of your toilet. 

Oh, that's only Papí, Dora the Explorer's dad.  Let me explain...

While a 3-year-old was wildly gesticulating with her arms, she inadvertently knocked her electric toothbrush over, which somehow hit this gentleman and caused him to acrobatically fly into the toilet.  

The sight of his body being partially swallowed by the toilet hole was a bit distressing to my two children, who have been warned repeatedly that if they stick their hands in the toilet, they will be instantly infected with a multitude of poop germs.  

Marina urged me to hurry, lest Papí be flushed before the big rescue.  Acting on pure adrenaline and survival instinct, I plunged my hand into the pool of poop germs and valiantly rescued Dora's father before she could be orphaned (that is, after I grabbed a camera and documented the crime scene).  

Here is Papí, freshly disinfected.  Doesn't he look wonderful?

In other news, you know how some superheroes have certain things that make them lose their powers?  (Superman/Kryptonite)  Turns out Marina's Kryptonite is face paint.  She requests a face painting, we allow it, then she undergoes a state of depression.  

Here she is showing me how serious she is about being a cheetah.  The crown was just an unrelated accessory for the day.  It's from New Year's.  When asked why she was wearing it, she told someone she was "celebrating that Jesus was alive."  

One of these is not like the other...

That about covers it.  I better take my poop germ hand and make a someone a special meal.

Door Number One, Please

A tale told in pictures...

Once upon a time, there were two cats who pooped in a box in the basement.  There was a door that led to the basement that would occasionally inadvertently get closed, forcing the cats to go upstairs to the guest bathroom and poop on the bath mat.   

In order to solve this problem, the man of the house suggested a cat door.  Months went by...  Finally the wife researched extensively to find the best fit for both the door and the enormous mass of one of the cats.  After finding the measurements online, it became necessary to ascertain if the thickest of cats could squeeze through the standard door size.  If not, the family would have to invest in the "Tubby Cat" door that could accommodate the expansive girth of Fat Linda.  See the top bullet in the picture below.  "Generously sized for today's large cats and small dogs." 

Being the ever-resourceful strategist, the wife constructed a mock-up in a Sam's Club size Wheat Thins box to run the size trial.

Hoping the cat would walk easily through the makeshift door did not work...

Finally resorting to force.

 Optimistically, the makeshift cat door was left in place for several days.  Displaying some surprising athletic abilities, Fat Linda glided nearly effortlessly (perhaps with a bit of flatulence in her wake) over the box on her way to the turd box.

Fat Linda needed to elegantly relax on a bar stool after the traumatic Wheat Thins incident.

After it was proven that Fat Linda could indeed squeeze through the standard size door, it was time to make the purchase and start planning.  The process took about four weeks.  Basically the door sat on the kitchen table while the wife nagged the husband every other day to install it.  

Tools had to be borrowed.  A whole plan had to be put into motion, including viewing YouTube videos on how to remove the door.  Since the door refused to be removed, Plan B was enacted - an on-the-go installation.  

The husband went to work with the power tools.

The son looked pleased to be helping.

First cuts were made.  Realization dawned.  There were serious challenges to using some kind of mini hand saw on a door that is attached and when you must make cuts that are awfully close to the ground.

Lorenzo was so upset, he refused to watch.  "I just can't look."

Victory.  

Lorenzo seemed curious enough at first.  Especially with no door flap in place.

But then changed his mind when he was caught on the other side of the door.  

An attempted bribe: outlandish coercion that included an expensive smoked salmon feast waiting just outside the flap.  Fat Linda displayed surprising ingenuity when she reached under the door to grasp the morsels.  

With the lid lifted, he looked at the food, trying to decide if it was worth the trip through the door (he must have heard some of the wardrobe/Narnia stories).

Marina and her gorilla stopped by to check out the activity.  Both seem a bit stunned by the idea that someone would deliberately cut a hole in the door.

Despite her ability to squeeze (albeit uncomfortably) through the door, Fat Linda was not having it at all.  

 She also tried the "look away" tactic.

Although significant effort went into the door installation, there are two cats who absolutely refuse to use it.  I'd say we are rather proud to display some amount of home competence (maybe this is a bit of a stretch).

But what now?  Poopy bath mats?  

What a bunch of ungrateful, oversized rodents.