Diaperless Billing

It is a most odd thing to hear your child calling you to "open door" in the morning, then walk in to find her holding her diaper out over the railing of the crib.  While this is not a very fun discovery, it is even more odd to find that she has rolled it up like you do after you change a diaper.  Nice work, Marina.

Let's rewind to address the events that led up to this unfortunate de-diapering.  I made several poor choices last night.  First, I put Marina to bed with no pants on (like her mother, I thought she might want to be cool since the house is set at 80).  I knew the no-pants chance was a risky one.  

Then she woke up several hours into the night and called for "water, please".  I felt sorry for her thirsty state and I brought her a nearly empty sippy cup, knowing that this could only lead to a flooded diaper in the early morn.  I ignored the facts and plunged on.  

Then when she woke up at 7:00 and sat playing in her bed, I lounged around, enjoying the peace of the morning (interrupted only by two cats that insisted on staging a street fight on my bed, inches from my head).  This was about the time Marina probably stood up, realized that her diaper weighed 15 pounds and was sagging off of her and decided to free herself.  It was only when she peed on her sheets that she realized the no-diaper situation was a problem and then called frantically to her mother to "open door".  

It really was nice of her to hand me a folded up diaper instead of throwing it on the ground where it would have burst peed-on absorbent gel everywhere.  It was also really nice of me to make so many poor choices and then lament the state of the urinated sheets.  

I'm very thankful that she didn't have poop in that diaper.  There are few things I dislike more than scraping poop off furniture and my child's hands.  

If I were writing a How To Parent book, this would be the chapter that suggests you always put pants on your child when she is going to be left to her own devices for several hours... especially if she is a smart little stinker with an impressive vocabulary and a stubborn streak as wide as a double wide trailer.   

Surprise Arise!

I'm someone who typically enjoys surprises.  Show up at my house with a Lexus tied in a bow, you're going to see some pants getting peed.  Surprise me with Chinese food, I'm going to eat the whole box to show you how much I love it.

But then there are some surprises you don't appreciate as much.  Surprise!  Your electric bill has tripled since last month or Surprise! Someone shrunk every pair of pants you have (this is my story at least).

Take last night for example.  2:46 AM.  Surprise!  Wake up!  There's a drunken brawl in the townhouse two doors down.  Lucky for me, I decided to sleep with the window open all night so I could enjoy the cool air and slurred curse words.  In my typical Nosey Neighbor fashion, I didn't shut the window after the inebriated altercation started, I opened my ears a little wider (figuratively) and listened for violence and fascinating new vocabulary.  After they all got in the car (hopefully taxied by a sober driver), I drifted back off into a blissful sleep.

Surprise #2.  Wake up again!  Someone put a ladder right outside my open window and was [loudly] clamoring up.  I think I might have uttered one of the curses I learned in the middle of the night.  My shades were not all the way down, though I do have sheer curtains in front of them (we're fans of light).  I was lying perfectly still in bed, just in case someone was looking in.  I was hardly going to jump out of bed and run away.  It's not that I am brave, I just was not wearing pants (beat the heat of summer strategies to save money on air conditioning).

It was several minutes before I realized that the man didn't stop to peek in my window, but continued on to the roof, where he ripped off shingles and slung them to the ground and put on new ones in the loudest way imaginable.  An upside to living in a townhouse: you don't always have warning about repairs and you might just be treated to a nice surprise at 7 am when you look out your second floor window and see a ladder and a man's legs.

I can't wait to go to bed tonight and have one of these dirty cats surprise me by puking in my hair.  For now, I'll be looking out my window, (through the ladder and legs) waiting for the arrival of my surprise Lexus.

P.S. the man is not still standing there at 11:30 at night (I don't think)... I was just going for humor.  And I left my window open again tonight.  I'm a glutton for punishment... and surprises.

Mind Power

You know how some of the most creative people, like authors and actors, come from meager backgrounds?  Since they will never have things like Power Wheels or giant playgrounds in their backyards, they are forced to use their imaginations to make playtime more exciting by using what's going on inside their minds (I realize these sentences are grammatically incorrect, but I didn't feel like using he or she the entire time). 

Here is an example of my own little creative genius, running around playing horses and chariots with what was on hand.  I'm so proud.

Past Due Poo

Dear Lily,

This is a note to yourself just in case you forget what you've learned tonight and need to be reminded not to be lazy (and perhaps stupid).

There are some things that can be covered up and made new, like make-up that I slept in (just a bit of concealer under the eyes and another layer of mascara and I'm off) or hair that has no time to be washed (flat iron it once again) or even the clothes I took off and left out and liked enough to put on again the next day (if I'm going to be in different company, of course - minus my family.  They get to see the 'real' me).

Before you go thinking I'm nasty, I'll tell you that these are new mom tricks (I'm going to consider myself a new mom until my kids go to Jr. High).

One thing I've discovered doesn't hold up as well is cat litter.  Some time this week, I noticed the cat litter was "ripe" but I was in too much of a hurry (and an avid, lazy avoider) so I tried a quick fix:  just put a ton more new litter over all the nasty poops and pees and forget about it.  Days later, I pushed the fix out of my head and wondered what the "crap" smelled so nasty.  Ah, yes.  Now I remember.  And now it smells like a pig farm in my house.  I had to clean cat litter that was like a 7 layer bean dip.  It was so foul, I thought about throwing up on top of it just to make it easier on the senses.

So, Lily, please remember this lesson.  Just clean the cat litter today or you'll be sorry tomorrow.  Also, try to take a shower more often.

Now I'll go have the glass of wine that I bribed myself with in order to make myself clean the litter that was like an archaeological dig... with just as much petrified poop.

Cordially,
The Pooper Scooper
 

Sweating Sabado

What does my Saturday look like?  It is definitely interesting.  Bear with me, I've got a lot to say.

We started it off with a swim in the baby pool at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  We got there at 10:00 am and it was already sweltering (right now the heat index is 107).  The kids splashed around in the pool while I sat and dipped my feet in, and swatted the occasional wasp away.  I was drip sweating and repeatedly wiped my face with my tank top that was already too loose.  Before long, the neck was stretched out and the whole shirt was nasty, damp and sagging.  Marina sporadically jumped out of the pool and took off running in several different (dangerous) directions.  Here are some cute pictures.

Before long, it became clear that we were butting up against nap time, so we had to reel it in and go home.  I was like George Costanza and still couldn't stop sweating.

Even though I wanted to go in my house and take a shower, I had to deposit my kids and go to my aunt's house to water her plants.  She left me in charge of keeping them alive while she is out of town.  This is amazingly difficult for me since I have an uncanny ability to kill every plant within a 1 mile radius of me.  Still, I've been diligently going over there and watering them, just like she showed me.  Today, when I was watering and sweating, I saw her poor rose bush (or is it a rose plant?) was being attacked by hundreds of Japanese beetles.  They were stacked up on each other five high (eating?  Or procreating?) all over the place and the poor leaves had holes all over.  What to do?  I didn't want her to come home and find the mass plant carnage.  I went inside and looked up ways to kill these dirty, mean bugs.  The internet suggested I plant garlic nearby.  Thanks.  This was a very helpful, immediate solution.

Needing instant help, I jumped in my car and drove to Lowe's.  Note: while a Civic may be fantastic with gas mileage, it has an extremely poor cooling system if you are driving under 60 mph.  I really didn't want to go out in public because my sweaty, stretched tank top was hanging down and showing the top of my bra and at this point my legs were so sweaty my shorts were starting to ride up in the thighs (reminiscent of jr. high P.E. class).  I was trying to walk across the parking lot in an unnaturally wide gate but finally gave up and embraced the ride (almost literally).  In the outdoor garden center, I grabbed the only bottle that had a picture of Japanese beetles on the front and stood (and melted) in line while people behind me in line probably thought I was one of those drug addicts with the perpetual sweating problems.  The fact that I was wearing a blue striped tank top and ugly hot pink shorts seemed only to draw attention to my situation (Yes, I know Mark, if I never dressed like this, then I would never get caught out in public dressed like this).

Back in my car, I tried to read the instructions for the application of the chemical and found that it is extremely poisonous and must be applied with special tools, of which I had none.  I called my mom to ask if I could just mix it in a bucket of water and just throw the whole bucket on the plant.  She said absolutely not and eventually talked me out of using this hazardous solution (apparently it is deadly if accidentally swallowed and had all these precautions about what to do if it gets on your skin).  I didn't know what to do about the poor, accosted rose bush and felt bad just leaving it under siege, so I did the only thing in my power.  I went out there with a baseball bat and started banging all the leaves so the beetles would retreat.  But as they say in Arrested Development, "I immediately regret this decision."  All of the sudden, the beetles all took flight in a swarm and flew all around me and into me.  As a bug-hater, I was horrified.  I was wiping off my body trying to make sure they weren't stuck to me.  I was even itchy back in the car.  On my way home, I found three non-beetle kinds of bugs crawling on various parts of my body, probably trying to avenge their annoying friends.  Yuck!

When I finally got home, I felt all disoriented from all the heat and water loss (due to excessive perspiration).  I immediately ate two sugar cookies to revive myself (that's what they give you after you give blood) so I wouldn't pass out in the shower.  

For the rest of the day, I'm committed to steering clear of anything involving sweat or bugs.  I've had enough.  Actually, I tend to spend my life avoiding these things... which would explain why I don't do any outdoor exercising (or indoor, for that matter).