Self-awareness is a funny thing. It seems a lot of people believe they are self-aware, but it turns out they are not at all. In fact, it's so prevalent, I actually read about a study on this recently.
To my dismay, I have been learning I may not be overly self-aware. I used to think I was because I knew things about myself, like I talk too much (and so does my daughter). I also have funny knock-knees and a tomato face. I have virtually no ability to read people, and I always initially dislike the people I should like, and trust the people who are turds.
Where is all this coming from, you ask?
Well, recently I was reminded that I am actually terrible in adversity. This is a shock to the system because I used to think I had a cool head and could handle most anything thrown at me. This was a lack of self-awareness on my part. A control freak almost never reacts well to the loss of control.
And I am in a season where there is a definite loss of control.
The writing was on the wall. I should have remembered the time when I was young and at some kind of church retreat in the woods. There was a noise outside our cabin. I looked out the window, but since the light was on, I could only see my reflection in the glass. As I strained to see into the night, suddenly a hand flew out and slapped the other side of glass. I uttered a garbled shriek and collapsed onto the floor. It turns out it was a prankster from our group, not the killer I assumed. Even so, that day I learned a lesson. You know that fight or flight thing people talk about all the time? I am not made for the fight. I wish I was.
Right now everything is changing -- jobs, homes, routines. I can do nothing about it. Just like the cabin, I've been in a collapse. And the collapse pulled the wool from my eyes.
I'm not patient like I once thought. Instead, I yell at my children every day, especially ones who get distracted easily. And reacting to my stress, they act out. Then I yell again. Dirty little cycle there.
To sate my anxiety, I eat things all day. Not healthy things. Over the last two days, I've eaten 600 Starburst jelly beans. That's in addition to the McDonalds fries I bought during lunch. Plus all that chocolate.
If you stink at adversity, even the mundane feels overwhelming. Last week, during the day, in a public bathroom, I realized I had my underwear on inside out. All I could think was, of course I do. But who can be bothered to take their pants fully off during the day in a public bathroom to rectify a little inside-out underwear problem. Certainly not me. It's all too much.
So what do you do when you realize you were wrong about what you thought you knew about yourself? Do you keep eating jelly beans and wearing your underwear inside out? Do you yell at your kids and cuss at your cat?
No, doggone it! You write a blog and call yourself out! You get your collapsed butt off the ground and you gain perspective. You throw away the jelly beans and you put your dishes in a box. You switch your underwear to the right side in a public bathroom. You remember that God is faithful.
So if you see me lying on the ground with fries hanging out of my mouth, please smack me and tell me to wake up! I don't control the world, and the world is much better for it. There are seriously valuable lessons to be learned as I realize who I really am, and what I am made of. I should not wish this time away. Because there is hope. There is always hope.
