Less Than Lessons

Sometimes you hear people say things like, "if only life came with an instruction manual," or if "I only knew then what I know now." I was just sitting here thinking that since we each learn our own lessons based on choices we've made, wouldn't it be great if we shared some of those lessons with the people around us so they wouldn't have to make the same mistakes we did?

This isn't exactly a new idea.  I read Internet advice on everything from medical diagnoses to product reviews on sports bras.  So following suit, here I am about to pollute the cyber world further by offering my lessons for your consumption.  Hopefully what I've learned will prove useful for you.


1.   Don't put your refrigerator against a corner wall.  You will never be able to open the door more than 90 degrees.  Then if you are defrosting meat and the nasty blood leaks out and runs down the back wall and settles below the produce drawers, you will not be able to open the door wide enough to remove the drawer and clean it.  You will have to slide flattened paper towels below the drawer and  hope for hyper-absorbency.  Also, don't judge the crap on my fridge doors.  We save tests, drawings, free magnets and pictures of ugly people.

2.  Don't buy any of these As Seen on TV products (this list could go on and on.  Now you see where all my money has gone... :

• Revo Styler
  
  
  

• Split Ender

• Ab Roller

• Wax Vac

3. Don't try to lose 20 pounds over the last weekend of summer using this.  It may cause a sudden lack of bowel control.

4.  Don't tell your daughter to "save the drama for your mama" ... because she will.  Then you will be stuck in the car with her during soccer practice doing this after you tell her she can't watch a movie.

5.  Don't make this your dinner drink, no matter how poor you've become.

6.  Or this... even though it's on sale at the gas station for $0.99.

7. Don't impulsively buy a cat because you are living in another state and feeling homesick.  Even if he reaches out of his cage at the pet store and grabs your arm.  You will sincerely regret it.

8.  Don't do it again five years later on another unfortunate whim.  Cute kittens grow up to be fat cats with bad brains.

9.  Don't let your child grow a rat tail modeled after his favorite (somewhat obscure) soccer player.  Chances are, he will get attached to the hairstyle and you will enter into rounds of permissive hair growth followed by haircuts by force for the next three years. And you will always think everyone sitting behind you is judging your parenting choices. 

10.  It is unwise to do your Target or grocery shopping over your lunch break during the summer.  You will either constantly lose your gummy vitamins, deodorant, toothpaste, gum, etc to major melting, or you will have to sit with bags full of toilet paper and 6-packs of underwear on your desk for the rest of the day.  And you will forget this lesson over and over. 

There it is.  Not exactly my top 10, but all I could think of right now... while I'm sipping on a gallon of Carlo Rossi with a Boone's Farm sidecar.

Learn from the error of my ways and turn from stupidity and As Seen on TV (I totally have my eye on those yellow nighttime sunglasses that let you see in the dark...)