Cat Scratch Fever

Lately I have felt a strong level of irritation directed at our two cats, Lorenzo and [Stinkin'] Linda.  I am aware that there are a great number of people in the world who dislike cats entirely.  I am not one of those people.  While I would prefer a dog as a pet, I have found that owning a cat has it's benefits.  I do not have to walk a cat outdoors in the middle of a snow storm.  I can leave our cats all day and not have to feel guilty.  They poop in boxes (which smell very foul and have to be cleaned very regularly).  Yes, there are nice thing about cats.  But in the past two months, I am beginning to think my two cats may be sent here as a test from God.  

Here are some current examples to back up my frustration:

Last week I was startled by a noise as I slept in the early morning.  It made it's way into my dream and it took me several seconds to wake up and understand what was going on.  There was a cat very actively gagging and hacking right above my head.  I quickly picked him up and chucked him to the ground where he spewed forth a large pile of barely chewed food.  He walked into the hallway and repeated the favor.  Can you think of a better way to start your day than having a cat nearly vomit on your hair and pillow?

Linda, our young, feral cat, who was recently adopted from a nearby Petco, has a problem with eating.  She wants to eat all the time and hunts our food with the ferocity of a predator in the night.  Just now, I put a plate of scrambled eggs on the table and turned around to get a fork.  When I turned back, I found Linda with a huge egg chunk in her mouth.  I threw her down and she contentedly kept munching on that big egg.  What a jerk.  She had just finished eating her food minutes earlier.  

Both Linda and Lorenzo have an obsession with sleeping on me at night.  All night they jockey for the best position, which includes my face, my chest, on my back, anywhere.  One cat is 16 pounds and the other is about 5 pounds.  When they eventually find their place, they usually start licking themselves or each other.  I find the sound of animal's licking anything to be infuriating to my senses.  I can't handle it.  All night, I throw them off of me.  I shove them onto Mark.  I heave them to the floor.  But then, I fall asleep and they creep back up.  Why don't we close our door you ask?  Because then we can't hear Eli calling us in the night (as he so frequently does).  

Here is the last one I will mention, though I could go on with my complaints for another 20 minutes.  A few days ago, I sat at this computer, high up on a stool.  I was minding my own business when suddenly I felt a stabbing pain in four spots in my back.  Linda had jumped from the floor straight onto my back and was using her claws to stay there.  I screamed and tried to throw her off of me but that just tore my flesh further.  Bad kitty.  She's getting declawed as soon as we find a $200 check in our mailbox.  

I do actually love these needy, vomiting, fighting, annoying animals.  I like to snuggle them when I watch a movie (provided they don't lick).  I like when they run after their toys and slide on the wood floor into the wall.  I like that Lorenzo is a super-star athlete that can catch flying toys in his paws.  I will keep these two dirty cats, but for now, I want you to know, they are making me crazy! 

Here's some pictures of the jerks.