Fortunately, I'm Fortunate

There are certain seasons in my life where I feel like I’m operating exclusively from the “Bad Mommy
Rule Book” (such a book surely exists; if not, I may be authoring it soon).

If you’ve ever read that book, Fortunately you might understand the following
statements.

Fortunately, I “cooked” dinner on Friday night.
Unfortunately, it was Tuna Helper.
Mark was actually thrilled at the thought of not having to eat Cheetos and a piece of cheese for dinner
(insert judgment on the bad wife here). He ate two platefuls. Eli, on the other hand, asked me, “What’s
this? Soup?”
Me: “No, it’s noodles and sauce.”
Eli: “What’s in the sauce?”
Me: “Butter, milk, and a powder packet of mystery spices.”
Eli: “Well, it’s disgusting.”
Me: “Thank you. You’ll be finishing all your disgusting noodles before you leave the table.”
[Sigh] from two parties.

Fortunately, I am a stickler for teaching my child grammar.
Unfortunately, I may overlook some other failings in exchange.
For example:
Eli: “Bang. Bang. I just shooted you!”
Me: [sigh] “No, Eli you didn’t just shooted me, you just shot me.”
Eli: “I’m going to shot you.”
Me: “Repeat after me. You shot Mommy yesterday. You shoot Mommy today. You are going to shoot
Mommy tomorrow. Get it?”
Eli: “Yes, Mommy. Bang. Bang.”
Should I address the violence or the poor grammar? I opted for the grammar; that seems to be more detrimental to society.  I can't have nobody think my boy's ignorant!

Fortunately, I attended my son’s second ever soccer game.
Unfortunately, I acted like a psycho while I was there.
For whatever reason this week, Eli decided to look at the ground and the clouds while jogging back and forth on the field, managing never to make contact with the ball or anyone else. I stood on the sideline yelling, “ELI! LOOK AT THE BALL! WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU LOOKING AT OVER THERE? THE GAME IS IN FRONT OF YOU!” Yes, I was that mom.
We are fortunate to have a large family represented in town. So, each time Eli plays soccer, he has a cheering section 15 strong. We also are a bit unruly. More than once we have laughed loudly when someone shoots the ball into their own goal (luckily not Eli). This week, we were watching a girls game where one girl threw the ball in, directly at her teammate’s face. It ricocheted off and she screamed. I don’t know which was louder, her scream or our hooting laughter. We simply do not know how to behave in public. But let’s be honest, watching a bunch of 5 and 6 year old play soccer is ridiculous fun.

Fortunately, I address my children’s constant bickering.
Unfortunately, I nag them and annoy everyone around me.
Marina has decided she is a parrot. Everything I say, she follows me and repeats it. So, when
she and Eli are fighting over a toy, I swoop in and stop it.
Me: “Quit it, you two.”
Marina: “Quit it!”
Eli: “She started it!”
Me: “Both of you. Sit down.”
Marina: “Bof of you! Quit it! Quit it!”

She is stealing my nagging mom authority. Who can take me seriously when I have a mini-me behind me mimicking my every word and movement (and not following any of my instructions)?

As I was typing this, I was eating my yogurt with a fork out of sheer laziness. Predictably, the yogurt fell through the spoon and glopped all over my black sweater, conveniently on the chest and again on the stomach. I would think of Fortunately/Unfortunately statement for this, but it seems to all lean to the unfortunate. And the stupid. I’m glad I won’t have the chance to change this shirt for six more hours. Any attention is good attention, right?