Let me share yet another look into my brain so the next time you see me, you can just walk by and shake your head.
All kinds of things give me irrational stress. I don't like to go anywhere unless I know exactly where I'm going. I feel uncomfortable reading aloud in public - probably stemming from an unfortunate pig-on instead of pigeon pronunciation in 6th grade. I don't like cooking/baking any kind of food that will be consumed by a group of people; I'm paranoid I will either disgust them or make them sick somehow.
And then there is the biggest one of all. The one that comes around only once a year or so. I go into freak-out mode when my child performs in public. This is so irrational; I feel silly even typing it.
Last night Eli had his school Christmas concert. All of the grade school put on a musical/play which required them to stand on stage for a full hour. Some kids had speaking parts, the rest were the singers. Eli was in the front row, right behind the microphones for the kids with lines. On our way to the school, Eli was telling us how scared and nervous he was to be on the stage with everyone looking at him. I tried to reassure him, even though I was probably just as nervous.
What am I so nervous about, you ask? I'm nervous my kid is going to puke. This is the third year we have had some kind of public performance for him and every time I go through the same thing. Why is this my fear? I have no idea. This year was by far the worst for me for the following reasons: it was the first year his performance was longer than 10 minutes, the school was being hit by a rampant flu that got mention before the performance started, and worst of all, Marina had the pukes four days ago.
If my mind already struggles with this thought, you can bet it was magnified with the additional puke-inviting factors. After he got on stage (front row, remember), Eli was so nervous, he didn't know what to do with his hands. He was fluttering them all over, grabbing at his shirt, putting them behind his back, and grabbing his stomach (this one about put me over). He fidgeted for the entire performance. I kept leaning over to Mark saying, "I think he looks pale," or "I think Eli has to go to the bathroom," or "Why does he keep holding his stomach!?" I couldn't believe they had so many songs left to sing when I was having a panic meltdown...totally out of control. I was a real life deodorant commercial.
Finally they all marched off the stage and I thought, "Phew, now he can at least puke in the hallway instead of in front of hundreds of parents or in the exact place where the actors are performing." Turns out he was totally fine. No sickness. Just the fidgets of a 6-year-old boy who was forced to stand in one place for an hour, while being watched by hundreds of people.
I gave myself a stern talking-to after this experience. Lily, stop being such a freak! I'm pretty sure this pep talk took care of the problem. Either that, or I will show up to his next performance drunk.
It's pretty safe to assume I'll never be one of those pageant moms.
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