Let me start at the beginning...
One day last year, I saw a cute cat that looked remarkably like Fat Linda trolling around our "nature". (nature definition: the wild, untamed wilderness behind our chain link fence that is still considered our property). I generally have friendly feelings toward wildlife, be it bunnies or feral cats. The wandering cat (let's just assume it's a 'he' for fun) would occasionally make appearances throughout the fall. As it got colder, I started to get concerned for his well-being. Where did he go at night? Was he cold? Was he hungry? I even considered putting a bowl of our weight-loss Iams out for him.
One day my sister told me she saw a Fat Linda-looking smashed cat on the road. I mourned his untimely death. I felt very sad for the way the hungry, cold little guy was struck down.
Weeks later, my feline friend showed up again! So it was another sad cat that was flattened! My friend was alive! But then winter came and I didn't see him anymore. I assumed he died, curled up in a sad little ball somewhere.
Then at the beginning of spring when all the birds were chirping and bunnies bounding about, the cat showed up in our nature again. He survived the winter! When I crept closer, I observed that he wore a collar. Turns out he belonged to someone. A few days later, I called my kids over to watch the cute kitty. We were making Fat Linda comparisons and admiring his beauty when all of the sudden, he pounced into a bush and came out with a baby bunny in his mouth! The kids were screaming; I was horrified.
How wrong I had been! My cat friend was no friend at all! He's a bunny murderer! And I love bunnies. They rank very high on the cutest scale, right next to little squirrels. I read online that domesticated cats who go outside, kill four out of every five times they go outside. They don't do it for the food, they do it for the sheer joy of being crapheads.
Since that day, I continue to see him in our nature, only now it's not cute. Now I see him crouching down in an army crawl position, stalking my baby bunnies. I've decided I'm not going to take it anymore. I've been running outside yelling to scare him away.
Then, last week, I saw this (look closely at who is sitting on the deck railing):
I have now identified the cat's home.
I ran him out of here three times this week. That's in the after-business hours, who knows what he is doing when we are gone all day - probably torturing endangered species and baby deer.
What do I do now? I've never taken an active dislike to a cute animal before (ugly animals I don't mind disliking - like the opossum. Call me shallow.), so this is all new to me.
I told myself I could throw a rock at him. It's rather self-assured to think I could actually strike him from any distance. When I saw him yesterday, I stood by the rocks for a full minute, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. What if I really hit him? What if I gave him brain damage?
When I suggested a sling shot and frozen peas, Eli seemed pretty strongly opposed to that course of action. Maybe rubber bands?
Yesterday Mark gave me a little scolding when I came back in from the latest chase. He asked what if the neighbor saw me screaming and yelling at their pet. I told him too late, the neighbor opened their screen door while I was in mid sprint after their murderous beast. The kids were both standing on our back step chanting, "Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!" I told him I didn't care what they thought, it's their stupid animal trespassing in my nature.
So the war is on. Not only with the cat, but now with the neighbors. I'm in a fairly belligerent mood now. I'm going on Amazon to look for sling shots. Maybe I'll pelt him with diet Iams food pellets and spray him with a high-pressure hose.
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