The Year of the Super Person

I’ve identified a weakness in myself now that I am older and wiser and can make sweeping generalizations at will. 

It seems to me that I am somewhat competitive, though not in the traditional sense.  I am not trying to run faster or be the last one out in dodge ball.  No, I’ve made peace with the fact that knock-knees and laziness do not make an Olympic athlete (or a Just Dance 2014 champion). 

When I say I’m competitive, I mean that I have a false sense that people are waving around their accomplishments in order to make me feel inferior, and they are succeeding admirably. It's possible my brain somehow ceased development during my high school years when everything was about popularity, thus carrying this mindset into all aspects of life. 

Let me attempt to explain.  There are all these stages in life where people love to share their own experiences with you.  I’m a fan of hearing people’s stories, but somehow I can’t understand why my own experiences are always so crappy compared to theirs.

Some examples:

Pregnancy  

Super Person: How are you feeling?  Have you been sick?  I loved being pregnant.  I’ve never felt so well.

Me:  Umm.  I have been throwing up for four months.  Last night I was moaning on the bathroom floor right next to all the pee germs.  I actually hate being pregnant.

Super Person: How much weight did you gain?   I only gained 9 pounds and ran three miles a day when I was pregnant.  I’m as awesome as Gisele Bündchen.

Me:  I gained 37 pounds.  My baby was two weeks early and weighed only 5 pounds. And my feet looked like Flintstone feet for the last three months.  Getting my compression knee-highs on every morning would cause me to sweat and pant like Fat Linda at KFC.

Children

Super Person:  All my babies slept through the night the first week we were home. (Babies sleeping through the night is a major topic of conversation for mothers of young children.)

Me:  Dang, neither my kids ever slept through one night until after 9 months.  Even then it was sporadic (this word makes me think of Clueless).  We didn’t get true all-night sleepers until each one was at least two (maybe three?).

Super Person:  We took our kids to Disney World then stopped at all the children’s museums east of the Mississippi on the way home.

Me:  I took my kids to Target this morning, but they were bickering so much I scolded everyone, gave a dirty look to that person in the parking lot, then went home and sent everyone to their room.

Housewife-ness

Super Person: I spent the whole day making freezer meals for the next six months and simultaneously vacuuming under the refrigerator while refinishing my hardwood floors.

Me:  I stand in front of the fridge ten minutes before dinnertime every night wondering what I’m going to feed everyone.  We usually end up with apple slices, frozen tortellini with no sauce and carrots, all of which is inevitably covered in cat hair.

Super Person: I got up this morning and ran five miles before waking my children who smilingly bounced out of bed and enjoyed pancakes.

Me: I snoozed my alarm from 5:00 to 6:35 a.m. This made everyone in the house late.  I ran after everyone clapping my hands and yelling to hurry up.  My kids got in the car to go to school with a bag of dry cereal in their hands and messy hair.

Super Person:  I used 46 coupons at the store today, saving a total of $432. I got 75 boxes of oatmeal and made 40 pounds of high fiber granola that I donated to the homeless people.

Me:  I wandered around Sam’s for an hour and a half.  I spent $200 on a 5-liter bottle of vodka, an 80-pack of pop tarts, more frozen tortellini and a cart full of impulse buys. 

As you can see, I have an issue with measuring my own failures by someone else’s success. It’s ok for people to share their personal triumphs.  I applaud them.  It shouldn’t make me feel worse about myself.  As a way to help myself get over this, I’m publicly posting stats from my day.  Of course there is always the chance that my personal triumphs will make someone else feel like a failure.  If so, I apologize for being so awesome.

Workout:

I ran a total of 0 miles today, burning a total of 0 calories.  I walked 125 steps (from my car to my desk), burning a total of 14 calories.

Dinner:

I opened two cans of full sodium tomato soup and made grilled cheese with a loaf of non-organic Jewel brand $0.99 bread (I added a slice of turkey lunch meat for added protein).

Picture shown below. Plating enhanced by user.

Parenting:

Morning - We lost Eli’s homework folder somewhere in the house. I threw away the majority of Marina’s soggy cereal breakfast because it took her 34 minutes to eat it.  I made both kids delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for their lunchboxes (cut brilliantly in half). And I gave Marina a braided up-do to go with her hooded sweatshirt.

Evening - I played 12 rounds of Just Dance 2014 with my kids (all the Aladdin song). One of them continually got upset because I earned higher scores than him every time.  I told him too bad, losing graciously builds character.

Housewife-ness:

I folded one load of laundry then left it on the couch for the cats to sleep on.

I've decided that 2014 will be the year my brain resumes development.  Now that I am mature, Super Persons, you may continue to share your personal triumphs with me.  It will motivate me to pursue my own triumphs and ultimately also become a Super Person.  Before long, the whole world will be eating frozen tortellini for dinner and scoring 2 stars on every Just Dance 2014 song (it seems amazingly appropriate that as I type this Bette Midler is singing "Wind Beneath My Wings" in my kitchen - from my iPod, not live).