Pants Dance

There are times you suspect you may be an idiot, and then there are times when you have it confirmed. 

Allow me to illustrate my point. 

I occasionally buy things solely because they are a good deal, regardless of whether I need them or not. For example, when recently in a store that is going out of business, I may have wandered over to the juniors' department (we are talking high school age, not grade school) because they had a lot of stock left and it was 40% off. I may have picked up a pair of jeans made for a 19-year-old (who eats donuts) instead of a lady in her mid-thirties, because the price was right…

Then, because I owned these well-priced jeans, I felt compelled to wear them, knowing they would be a poor fit. Mostly I made this choice because I am trying to eat fewer donuts, and I assumed public shame was the best method. 

This morning, I took the jeans from the pile and attempted to apply them to my lower half. The progress was halted around my knees. Over the years, women have employed all manner of both athletic and not-so-athletic movements in order to master snug pants. I would categorized my next movements as not-so-athletic. 

I opted for the repeated vertical skip kick move. It looked a little like Tony Little on his Gazelle machine, only I have less impressive hair and biceps. 

I'm including this GIF to help you with visualization. 

Well, as you can imagine, this didn't go well. When the pants arrived at 85%, my vigorous progress had moved me to a danger zone. My back foot swung out and made violent contact with back end of the door and the door frame.

There was pain and humiliation (though hardly if I was willing to try the Gazelle jeans move while my husband was in the room - shameless).

My heel showed signs of swelling and bruising. All for the sake of the well-priced, tight, junior pants. I did eventually get them on. They squeezed even my knees throughout the day. Unfortunately I just unbuttoned them when it was time to eat the donuts (not in public), so this plan totally failed. Also, I may have a blood clot now, in addition to lingering heel pain.

I was half-hoping this would turn out to be a major injury so I could explain to the doctor how I acquired it, but it seems I will have use this forum to share my story. Perhaps it can be considered a cautionary tale.

As an aside, a friend stopped by my desk earlier to tell me she heard on the radio that the name Liliana was on a list of people most likely to be successful. I told her this story. We came to the conclusion the list might be incorrect... unless they meant successful at being ridiculous.