Expectation Station

Back when I was smart, I learned a lot about behavior and what influences productive or nonproductive reactions in people. Basically, we all react based on whether our expectations for a situation are either met or not met.

I think everyone has certain expectations of the world and how they think it should work. We know how we expect people act, and feel somewhat disoriented when those expectations are not met.

I’ve been wondering if I could verbalize some of my expectations to unravel why certain things give me the angry eyebrowns. I do acknowledge more than one of these makes me sound like a jerk and a ridiculous person, but it’s all in the spirit of fun and transparency (that no one asked for). It’s like I’m conducting a self-discovery exercise before a live studio audience.

So here’s my attempt to document a cross-section of the Lily Expectations (bulleted like a business document).

• The first stall in a row of public bathrooms is not for doing poo. That should be reserved for the deluxe stalls in the back. To break this rule means you will cause me to walk unexpectedly into a cloud of stink, making the hit all the more pungent and unpleasant.

• People should not walk across your fresh, undisturbed yard snow. To do this mars the picturesque beauty and makes it look junky.

• You should drive exactly as I do, or you will incur my wrath. Too fast and you are out of control. Too slow and you are super annoying.

• Children should not be mean or disrespectful. If they are in my presence, I will dislike them for all of eternity. Though realistically, I might not like them anyway, especially if they smell like syrup.

• Local news is crappy all the time, no matter where you live. There is no fixing this.

• The internet should always work. If it doesn’t, I will feel rage and shout, but do nothing to actively fix the problem.

• I don’t know what “salt to taste” means. How am I supposed to salt raw meat to taste? This is just a ridiculous instruction. Give me the stinking details, please. 

• Even if it is reality, I do not want to see baby animals getting eaten by other animals on the National Geographic shows. If you are my husband and you turn this on, I will make irritated huffs for a few minutes, hint that it should be turned off, then [passive aggressively] leave the room loudly.

Now about retail…

• Paying with exact change and digging pennies from the bottom of your purse is not acceptable. Just use your credit card, please. 

• Along those lines, writing a check at the grocery store is not a good idea. But if you are going to do it, you should perhaps start at the beginning of the transaction, not at the very end. 

• If you also have some coupons to use, one or two is acceptable. Over 12 seems a bit much, especially when you have to argue one of them should work when it doesn’t.

I should just pause here to acknowledge that I sound like the world’s most impatient person. Seems like that can’t possibly be true. There are like 7.6 billion people in the world (I Googled it), I might fall somewhere in the middle.

Continuing on…

• Every business should have answers on the internet and a click-to-chat function. Do not make me call you or I will put it off for months until I have a real problem on my hands. Then I will mentally blame your business for it. 

• When at any kind of food line (like a salad bar, or heaven forbid, a buffet), the person behind me should stand at least three feet back. To get any closer to than this will make me feel undue pressure. I end up trying to rush and panic. Then I inadvertently scoop nasty peas on my lettuce. 

• I should be able to hear everything going on, all the time. If you talk too softly or there is a stovetop fan running and I can hear the voice, but not make out the words, no good. No good at all.

This list is by no means exhaustive. I thought I should stop here before even I want to beat myself up. Since this was an exercise in transparency, I need to evaluate what I have learned.

Lily needs to be more patient and perhaps adjust her expectations, or Lily will have no friends at all.

Lily need not speak in the third person, because that is creepy.

So this week, as a means of ridding myself of impatience and unmet expectations, I might try to systematically break my own expectations in order to put myself in the other person’s shoes.

Does anyone know where I can get 43 coupons? What’s that you are adding to your salad, how about I take a closer look.

I’ll go check to see if that first stall is available now…