Lazy Raft

Today I put on my "big" jeans and found them to be much tighter than I expected. This does not please me. Last week I tried on jeans in the store and felt pretty good about them. Then I looked at the tag and realized I had picked the wrong size, these jeans were size enormous instead of the mini ones I meant. Enormous fit me.

I seem to have a lack of self-control. I made a goal to lose weight before the summer or before I get pregnant again so I don't have to far to come back from after. So far, I have set goals and literally broken them that same day. I wonder what it will take. I hope I don't die of heart disease.

As I type this, I am staining the keyboard with orange Dorito fingers. Utter lack of self-control.

I used to pride myself in my strength of mind. I can make myself to do anything if I only will it. But pretty much it seems that was just a prideful, untrue thought. I don't live well in boundaries so I have the widest set ones, so I rarely have to worry about coming close to them. I'm like a horse with the biggest field that only walks around in circles and never runs in the far field. So the illusion of strength was really more of me never breaking rules that don't exist.

So this revelation I have now, like all other revelations in my life, has turned on a light of self-knowledge, only to be ignored and passed by.

It is not only in weight-loss that this lack of strength manifests. Sometimes it seems like I am floating on a raft, watching the events of my life unfurl. I have some limited reactions to them, but mostly it is comfortable to keep watching - sudden movements might sink my raft.

I wonder if I'm afraid. Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I should meet with a counselor to fix this - if only one was free and good. I think it is mostly the lazy. Dang.