Catty Comments

Let me tell you the story of a small and slightly less loved member of our family. He is Lorenzo, my cat. I have a love/hate relationship with this small feline. We adopted him in the first six months of our marriage from the local PetsMart. He called out our names and gripped our fingers with his paws; we just couldn't resist. But then, we got home and realized we had adopted the single most needy and nuts cat that ever roamed the Earth. Mark wanted to give him back right away when he wouldn't let us sleep because his obscenely loud purring and kneading of his paws (which had claws at the time) on our faces. I told Mark that we would not be irresponsible pet owners, so we persevered. He got a little better with time.

On the positive side, Lorenzo's neediness makes him quite affectionate, much more than a cat should be. He is constantly sitting on our chests and head-butting us. And he is a great looking cat. If he were not, he would not have fared as well in our house, for we choose things strictly for their aesthetic appeal. Ugly cat would equal ugly treatment.

I had never had a cat before Lorenzo. These strange animals were very much a mystery to me. I did not realize they were vengeful, snobby animals. When we brought Eli home from the hospital, the cat started to pee on any piece of clothing or towel that was left on the ground (which at that time, was a lot of them). We thumped him repeatedly but it wasn't until he got used to Eli and we started picking up our laundry that the stage passed. It was terrible to put on a pair of pants and then hours later sniff around for a strange smell, then realize that it was you and you had cat piss on your pant leg.

When I was pregnant with Eli, the cat decided that I was his preferred owner (Mark might disagree with this). He started to sleep almost literally right on my face at night. I couldn't keep him away from me. This has continued on to this day. He comes and spoons me like he is a person. I try not to move because I might disturb him. When I finally get sick of the position I am in and I shove him away, he takes a bite at me and runs away. This almost always gains some kind of loud and confused swear from me in the middle of the night.

Here are some fun facts about Lorenzo. He has this chicken that he will carry around in his mouth and then randomly throw him in the air and chase him down. If you manage to piss off this cat, he will hunt you down from across the room or wait till you walk by and bite your achilles. He has recently taken to disgustingly humping different objects in the house (he's neutered). And he chases bugs around our house and paws at them.

On this subject, last night while we were watching TV, the cat started jumping around frantically. We saw that he was chasing after a moth. The poor moth was stunned by an aggressive paw and before we knew it, he put the giant moth in his mouth. I tried to get him to release it, all I could see is his wings hanging grotesquely out of Lorenzo's mouth. He would not give him up. I had to watch the foul animal chew up and swallow that moth. He sneezed a few times, which I suppose could have been that moth fluttering in his body, tickling his nose. Sick!

All this to say that I very much love this cat, but he has a very long list of cons(as maybe we all do). If I were a lesser person, I would send him packing but as it is, I will let him snuggle me at night and I will overlook his short-comings, for I know he is a fallen creature, just like me. Also, he helps boost my self-esteem by preferring me (but I might also add he bites me more than anyone else too).

But just look at what a nice-looking cat he is, could you resist him? By the way, would anyone like to cat-sit for us in March?