Loser Linda

Dear Fat Linda,

There is something a little touchy I need to talk to you about. It has come to my attention that every day, immediately after you finish your meals, you go after your brother, Lorenzo's, portion. This is not appreciated by any of us.

When we adopted you as a small kitten, you were so adorable. You appealed to our tender hearts. But, it wasn't long after that we realized you might have a problem. You are not vicious, though your nails occasionally do some damage. The issue is that it seems you will do anything for food. You often resort to manipulation and trickery to get us to feed you more than once. You dive between our feet to trip us, even on the stairs. You are only affectionate when it is getting close to feeding time. And I'm sorry to say that all this eating is resulting in a weight problem. Maybe I should rephrase that and be blunt, you have been fat since almost the minute you walked into our house. I have tried everything to remedy this. I switched you to diet food, I have tried to reason with you and suggest a healthy exercise regimen. Since all of this has failed, I am trying the tough love approach and directness.

Linda, you are obese. Licking up the run-off grease from the George Foreman grill is perpetuating the problem. And since you eat Lorenzo's food, the poor cat is getting frail and malnourished. What can I do to help you? Should I enroll you in a feline over-eaters program? Or should I just keep verbally abusing you daily and hope that I get through to you? Whatever the case, having you so chunky reflects poorly on me as an owner. People believe I must be too indulgent with you or that I am a careless parent. So, please for your sake, for my sake, quit being such a fatso and eating every one's food. Try to control yourself and maybe run around every now and then instead of lying on our bed all day. It will do you well.

Most affectionately,

Lily