Lately I have been stumped by some "unexplained" weight gain. Naturally my first thought is that I must have some underlying medical issue that causes this - like a broken thyroid or something. I can fit myself into some of the symptoms that come with a thyroid issue, like headaches, weight gain, pale face and hairy legs (wait...) but those are also the symptoms of someone who spends most of her days indoors, eating and not exercising.
But then yesterday, all my conclusions were proven false and the mystery was solved. I had the genius idea to clean out my car in the middle of a heat wave. So for 45 minutes, in 92 degree weather, I crawled around my car jamming a vacuum under the seats and sweating all over myself, while showing everyone in my mom's nice neighborhood what an unexercised butt looks like under tight biker shorts (yes, to everyone's delight, I have brought out the fashionable wonders this year too). Then, like lightning, a discovery was made: long, skinny papers, that once housed straws, with letters all over them were hidden under my seats. One would say "McDonalds", while another "Wendy's" or "Taco Johns". What? Who has been eating all this junk in my car? And where did all of these old french fries come from? It seems I have an alter ego, much like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but mine drives around and visits all of the fast food restaurants in the area, either that, or I have situational amnesia caused by post traumatic stress syndrome brought on by constantly being beat by a preschooler and crawling baby with grabby hands (clearly, I overuse google to diagnose all manner of malady).
So now that the problem has been identified, all of the fast food restaurants in our town will see a sizeable drop in their profits this quarter. I will single-handedly deliver a major blow to the economy and my pair of fat jeans.
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