Tree-mendous Advice

Now I know many of you read my column because you are looking for practical solutions to everyday problems (I'm pretending I'm writing for a magazine here, you'll have to bear with me). Fortunately, I know a little something about home maintenance.

Let's say perhaps you have a pesky tree (or group of skinny trees) planted too close to your house; when the wind blows the branches batter the roof and siding.  Although this tree may be home to tailless squirrels and birds that bring ribbons to your window to help build your ball gown (wait a minute, I might have regressed into a Cinderella moment), it is clear that this offending tree must be removed.  If your tree maintenance fund is running low, I have some simple steps for you to follow:

Step 1:  Borrow a power tool from someone who can afford it.  This may be a neighbor, or perhaps a parent who lives 1.25 miles down the road.

Step 2:  Assemble your demolition crew.  A husband and wife team works well, with grade school children scheduled to step in for clean up.

Step 3:  Ensure you have the proper supplies.  While some people choose rope to guide the tree gently to the ground, a sufficiently long (or almost sufficiently  long) orange extension cord does the trick nicely.  It may also be that due to a specific plug, you must also attach the extension cord to the chainsaw being used to cut the tree.  This is perfectly acceptable.  If the outside plugs aren't working, try the outlet just inside your kitchen.  Don't worry, if a tree falls on the extension cord, it will only bend the cord prongs and partially push the outlet into the wall.  No [major] harm, no foul.

Step 4:  Execute.  One member of your team should make exacting cuts in the trunk of the tree while the other team member pulls down and to the right to avoid the neighbor's house and fence.  You should instruct your team it is advisable to leap out of the way at the last minute, lest he or she be crushed by a tree.  It's ok if the top of the branches brush against his or her legs while he or she dashes away and almost cause an incontinence problem. Note: you should carefully consider your insurance deductibles before carrying out this step.

Step 5:  Celebrate your victory over the tree and lack of casualties.  Also celebrate the $0 expense incurred.  Take that to the bank, Dave Ramsey.

Until next time, my friends.