Here is a list of confessions I should have the good sense not to share in public. But alas, I was never one for tact. Here we go, one item for every day in November. I would post one per day, but let's get real, none of these are good enough to deserve their own day. In particular order...
1. I check the celebrity gossip/picture site fairly often… ok, every day.
2. Every morning on my drive to work, I see ladies leisurely walking their dogs or jogging. Instead of feeling glad for their freedom, I glare at them. I’m that kind of negative nelly.
3. I have been known to pick my nose or floss my teeth (not simultaneously! Or in that order!) on the drive to or from work. Then I remember that everyone who is driving on this side of town works with me. I don’t think this helps my business credibility.
4. A few weeks ago I gave my son a history lesson. For whatever reason it seemed appropriate to tell him about how the white man decided he wanted the Native Americans’ land. So he pushed them off and forced them onto Indian reservations. I also mentioned the women and babies. Last week he told me they were learning about Native Americans in class. He told me he raised his hand in class and mentioned how the white man pushed all the Indians off their land since the teacher hadn’t covered that information yet. I said, “oh my, you did?” then I asked what his teacher said in response. He shrugged and said he couldn’t remember. Whoops.
5. If I’m driving and I see a black garbage bag tossed by the side of the road, my brain thinks, “I bet that has body parts in it.”
6. I look in people’s ears when they stand next to me. I like clean ears.
7. For the past nine years, every time Nora Jones’ “Don’t Know Why” comes on the radio, I say, “how appropriate.” I “don’t know why,” it just always seems to be an appropriate song, and an appropriate comment.
8. I verbally abuse my two cats daily.
9. I really like to pull out weeds. I find it amazingly satisfying.
10. Sometimes when I’m driving alone in my car, I sing really loudly and imagine I’m performing on the Voice. I always do well in my imagination.
11. When someone in my family isn’t answering their phone for an extended period of time or does not arrive home when I expect, I start imagining horrible scenarios.
12. In my head I love Spaghetti-os. I eat them once every 3 years. Immediately after I feel sick. The next day I forget and I start pining for them again.
13. I recently discovered that I like light roast coffee, but I’m afraid to tell anyone except the barista and my sister. I have a fear of my coffee snob friends judging me.
14. I never know what is for dinner until 10 minutes before the meal. This may give you an indication of the quality of food I’m serving.
15.When we are driving on the interstate and I see a car pulled over, I always assume it is because someone is throwing up, no matter what.
16. I feel instant fury if someone messes up my bed sheets, even if the bed isn’t made (which is the case 99.86% of the time).
17. I’ve baked cookies only three times in my life. It didn’t work out any of the three times.
18. I eat salad for dinner five nights a week. There are almost more croutons and cheese than actual lettuce.
19. I don’t like Jell-O at all.
20. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t mind if I got a contagious rash, then I could stay home by myself for a while and watch Spanish soap operas all day.
21. No matter how old I am, I still think fart sounds (or the real thing) are completely hilarious.
22. Sometimes I go whole months without shaving my legs.
23. A couple of years ago, I was at the pediatrician’s office with my son. While we were waiting for the doctor to come into the exam room, I had to go to the bathroom so bad it was about to be an emergency situation. I grabbed an unwilling Eli and we ran out of the exam room to find the nearest bathroom. When we got in, two nurses were waiting for us. I let them believe it was Eli who had to go to the bathroom. When he spoke up to correct them, I loudly fake laughed and started pulling his shirt off for his exam. Yep, I’m that kind of mom.
24. One time in fourth grade I lied to my teacher and told him I turned my homework into the Late Basket. He asked the class who saw me turn it in; half the class raised their hand. Pretty impressive.
25. When I was in college in the late 1990s, my mom sent me a care package with an old black Pound Puppy she found in our house. Since then, I have slept with it in my bed. It’s not an attachment thing, like Linus’ blanket, it just makes a great neck pillow.
26. When I see roadkill in the road, I tell myself to look away, but I can’t. Then I feel really sad for the poor dead animal, even if it is the very not-cute opossum.
27. Since having a white hair growing among my extremely dark tresses stands out like a beacon of light, I systematically hunt them down then eradicate them. I know you might want to tell me that if you pull one out then two grow in its place, but logic tells me that can’t possibly be true. I lose so much hair on a regular basis (look at my bathroom floor!) that if that were true, I wouldn’t have any space left between my hairline and eyebrowns [sic]. Or my ponytail and my back hair (just kidding).
28. Since my feet never really sweat, sometimes I wear my socks for more than one day. Sometimes more than two days (before you start calling me gross, know that I take a shower then put them back on).
29. When I had a pixie haircut in high school people used to mistake me for a boy all the time. I remember one flight attended continuing to call me sir, even after I answered her. “I’ll take a milk, please.” (odd choice on a plane, I know) She answered, “Oh, we’re healthy today, aren’t we, sir.”
30. Early on, when my first child was in the throws of an illness spiral where he kept getting sick every other week, I called his pediatrician at 3:00 a.m. to tell him something was wrong; that normal kids didn’t get sick this much. I told him he probably had something seriously wrong with him because he had a fever twice in two weeks. I told him we needed to check for cancer. He was pleased with my call. Turns out it was just a virus.
So there you have it. If you have made it down this far, I must say you have amazing perseverance. Maybe reading all this nonsense will give you the push you need to tell a random person about how you stick pretzels in your nose while you watch the news. Imagine you now feel inspired and can hear that Michael Jackson song from Free Willy playing in your head.
Holy Crap that was long but I thought I should share where I can relate.
ReplyDelete5) absolutely that is what is in the bag what else could it be
6) same. I just did this tonight and thought how I wish I could get a pair of tweezers to get those little hairs
10) my kids tend to ask me to please stop singing, that's how good I am
11) I freak out as well
that's enough. miss you