I've been thinking a lot about life lately. I think about the people I love and how much I appreciate them in my life. I don't often say many encouraging words to people (unfortunately) but I hope they never question my affection.
If someone told me today that I had 3 to 6 months to live, I wonder what I would do tomorrow. At this age, at this point in my life, I would be devastated. I don't have any doubt about my after-life whereabouts - I know I'll be in heaven, but I have a lot here on Earth that I want to hang on to. In thinking of such a short time to live, I would consider my husband, my son, my sisters and brother, my parents, family, friends, everyone. Three months to live is like living only to see the summer, or the fall. Would I be afraid to go? I think I would. I would want to tell Eli everything I would want him to know in his life - though I've hardly got that figured out yet for myself. I would want to see him at school, in competitive sports, with his first girlfriend, when he gets married. What a lot to miss. I would want to tell my husband that I'm sorry he has to raise Eli alone, and that maybe he should remarry - even though I would never really want him to be in love with anyone but me, but isn't that what you are supposed to say? I wonder if I would be able to find that "peace that passes all understanding" they talk about in the Bible. How is it that someone comes to grips with dying?
I wonder if I would feel differently if I was 87 and given 3 to 6 months to live. I would have already been a part of my kids growing up, and now their kids would be grown. I would have seen a lot, traveled, made mistakes and had great successes. But would all that make me ready to leave this world? Would I be afraid of the physical act of dying? Afraid of leaving my loved ones behind? I can't imagine going to bed every night and thinking that this could be it; I could die in my sleep. I would be thinking about if I had said everything that I wanted to say to people first. I guess it follows that I should be saying those things to people every day anyway and as the songs and movies say, "live like I was dying". But how many people really do that? If I truly lived like I was dying, I would have no money in the bank, I'd weigh 400 pounds, and I'd be really clingy.
I don't think I can ever really wrap my mind around the idea of dying; that next season someone I dearly love may not be here. I'm sad that she is scared, but I don't fault her for it. I would be scared too. Even if you have complete assurance of your salvation, it is hard to let go of family and things on Earth.
Three to six months... that's no time at all.
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