It's Snot Fair

I am not someone that gets spa treatments all the time. I wish I had enough money to be one of those people, but unfortunately it is frowned upon for Mommy to go for a massage or manicure with the grocery money. So, needless to say, the times I get to treat myself are rare and much anticipated.

Last Christmas, my sister bought me a gift certificate for a massage. Days later, I found out I was pregnant, so I saved the gift for a later date. For nine months, I looked at the gift certificate and considered when I should use it, but every time I thought I would save it until I was really uncomfortable. Then at the end of the nine months, when I was feeling too fat and cumbersome, so I decided I would save the treat until after I had the baby; then I could lie on my stomach and get the full effect. This last Saturday, the day finally arrived and I was able to use the gift certificate. Luckily, at the last minute, I remembered to shave my legs!

Let me preface the rest of this story with an aside. My track record with massages is a bit humorous. There is always some sort of impediment to relaxation. The last one I had was about 2 years ago, but I have a strong memory of it. It turns out I had a serious amount of gas that day and allowing my body to fully relax was not a great idea. The girl told me several times that I was tense, but I thought it better not to release the muscles around my butt. Because of this, the full benefit of the hour long massage was never realized.

Back to current day. I felt that I was mentally prepared for a nice, relaxing time. Then, as I stood and undressed in the fragrant, soothing room, it occurred to me that it might be a good time to blow my nose (I had a snot reservoir left from a recent cold). I searched around for a box of Kleenex but there was not one to be found. I couldn't look for too long, because my masseuse would soon be back in and I would be caught standing naked instead of comfortably installed under the sheet. The instant I stuck my face in the toweled face-rest (shaped like a bagel), I knew we would have a problem and there would be no relaxing today. The snot faucet turned on and the downward pull of gravity did it's damage. I had to breathe only out of my mouth and needed desperately to wipe, but I didn't want to move my arm. I kept trying to think of how I could be sneaky about it, but there was no way. In misery, I kept lying perfectly still as the drops hung off my nostril holes. At one point, I tried lifting my head slightly and wiping the flow on the face towel, but should have considered that move more carefully. All the action did was wipe a huge line of snot across my cheek before I put my face back in the hole. I had a bit more relief when I rolled onto my back but not much. I didn't want to be noisily sniffing so I kept breathing only from my mouth. Dang, why was I too wimpy to ask for a Kleenex in the middle of a massage? Too deep of a question to fully consider or answer...

Once again, my efforts to relax had been foiled. I would have to go back home and breathe deeply while Eli pegged me in the head with a bouncy ball and Marina sprayed poop on my hands while I changed her. Oh well, I think I work better when I'm tense. At least I'm always on high-alert to handle life's daily challenges - like snot attacks.