I feel like I am constantly rushing. I rush around every day because we have to follow a well-orchestrated schedule or no one gets anywhere on time. I rush the kids through breakfast, then we have a minute of semi-calm where Marina and Eli try to destroy the house until Marina's nap. Then Eli tries to wake her up after she goes to sleep. We have to start lunch at 11, which I rush so we can get dressed with teeth brushed and ready to walk out of the house at 12:10. Then we quickly rush to Eli's school so I can be on time to drop off Marina at the babysitter. I then have to rush all the way to work then run through the parking lot so I am not late for the start of my shift. Then for fifteen minutes there is a terrible rush because the commodities markets are about to close and everyone is in a yelling hurry. Starting at 1:15 and on, there is a slower pace until I rush around before the night market opens. When it is time to go home, I rush to my car so I don't get killed in the parking lot, then drive quickly home so I can put my kids to bed. I hurry them into bed so they don't get overly tired. When they are finally asleep, I am not rushing anymore. I am casually folding laundry and doing various craft projects. Each night, I am struck with the odd feeling that comes when I am not rushing. What should I do with my time? I am never short of a To-Do list, only on the motivation to complete it.
This feeling of needing to hurry through everything extends to more than just my day. Sometimes I feel like it is defining me. With my kids, I feel like I have been constantly trying to get to the next stage. When I was pregnant, I couldn't wait to not be pregnant anymore. Then I had a newborn and all I wanted was him/her to sleep through the night. Then I was trying to hurry him and her into sitting up, crawling, standing, and walking. I couldn't wait to stop nursing, to stop buying diapers, till Eli could feed and dress himself. Now I want the kids to be old enough where they don't get every sickness that walks by them and where they can take themselves to the toilet to throw up. We are in a constant rush to get to the next stage when we will have a bigger house where the kids can run around and all of our belongings will not be stacked in the corner (though we are not delusional enough to think we will suddenly be cleaner if we live in a new house).
But with all of this rushing, I think I might be missing the details that make life so beautiful. I have been told dozens of time to enjoy the time I have with these kids because it goes entirely too quickly. This seems like ridiculous advice when I am staring at the clock at 4 am while holding a teething baby, but in the morning, the furious pace starts again.
I look at Eli and can't believe he is going to be five in a few short months. There will be a time where he won't want to lie under a blanket with me and pretend to sleep. It won't be all that long before Marina thinks I am the most nerdy, ridiculous mom and she won't want to be seen with me (in her defense, I don't even want to be seen with me).
I don't want to be standing at my daughter's wedding and realize I missed most of her life and her brother's because I was busy yelling at them to finish their dinner. So somehow, today, I want to take a minute and just enjoy life; enjoy the mess, enjoy the tardiness, and enjoy the chaos that accompanies raising children. I am blessed to be a mom and I don't want to squander that.
Maybe I should take out the finger paints today...
This is true wisdom - as life is too short and passes too quickly. I remember some rowdy children who used to make me laugh with their antics but I also have the moments of wishing that I played with them more and that I let them get more dirty and make more mistakes and messes and wish that I had not been so uptight about things. Maybe we should have flung more food around or have made more tents or have played out in the rain.
ReplyDeleteIf you'd like, I can come to your house and fling food at the wall right now. I'm still a child inside, no matter what these wrinkles and sags may be saying on the outside.(:
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