He's A Cheeky One

In this house, we sometimes value laughter over good sense.  We are also learning our parenting skills as we go.  You would think after five years, we would be a little further along.

While experimenting with our first child, we made certain mistakes.  Some of those included teaching him words that may not be suitable for little mouths, or not shushing him when he discussed the contents of his recent toilet activity.

Then, there are things that I am still totally clueless about.  For instance, naming body parts.  We taught him to say, "nuts","wiener", and "booty" for his parts.  To this day, I can't think of more suitable terms for these (though my sister still insists 'buttocks' is perfectly appropriate, I can never say it without laughing).  And believe me, a five-year-old seems to find reasons to bring up these terms on a regular basis.  Sorry, I can't seem to muster the appropriate guilt for this, though perhaps I might next year when he gets in trouble for his language at school.

Perhaps the most lamentable of all the things we taught (or allowed) was the butt pinching.  Yes, I said butt pinching.  When Eli was two, we taught him to go up and pinch people's butts.  There was always endless amounts of laughing involved.  It would always be an unsuspected attack.  Grandma would be standing in the kitchen, washing dishes and suddenly feel a little pinch.  When she turned around, there would be a tiny child standing there, laughing his head off.  This was excellent.

But things like this come back to almost literally bite you in the butt.  Cute little butt pinches by a two-year-old transform when that child grows up.  These days, everything Eli plays is violent.  He is the quintessential boy.  He's using the paper towel roll as a sword and he's slicing off my limbs.  Butt pinches have turned into run-by butt slapping.  Unfortunately, this is a tough one to break since for years we have been laughing at this kind of action.

This week, I've decided that the butt violence has become an occupational hazard.  Recently, I was minding my own business, cutting a bagel with a sharp knife, when suddenly my whole body jerked forward.  I was the victim of a run-by butt slap.  I yelled a "Hey!  Don't slap my butt while I have a knife in my hand!"  But I'm not sure if I got through to him because today, while I was putting on mascara with the stillness of a surgeon's hand, BAM!  I got a slap and very nearly a devastating eye injury, not to mention a big black smudge on my cheek (my face cheek, just to be clear).

So, what to do now...?  Is this something I can write to Dr. Dobson about?
Dear Dr. Dobson, my child has a bad habit of smacking people in the butts, and by the way, I taught him this when he was two and encouraged him to attack the people of my choosing so I could get a good laugh out of it.  Now this action is as natural to him as breathing.  What should I do?  Please advise.

So, next time you come to my house, enter at your own risk.